Week 17 Edition
Written by Bo McBrayer
In an actual conversation with my eight year old daughter on New Year’s Eve, she stubbornly exclaimed that all she needed to make it to midnight was a sip of iced coffee and two licks to the face from Rosie, our Border Aussie pup. Once we finished the countdown, she took a hearty swig of the Martinelli’s cider in her champagne flute, gave my wife and I each a smooch, and shouted, “Good-bye to the worst year ever!” She hasn’t even seen a fraction of the Times Square ball drops that we have, but there wasn’t an ounce of disagreement to be had in the room.
This week’s edition of PICANTakes culminates a wonderful season of taking shots in the dark and getting lucky…twice. It also marks the last article I will write for the Podcastic Network. I have been fortunate to be published on this platform and cannot thank the guys enough for running me out there with my crazy ideas. I’m sure I’ll still have hot takes long into the future, but this is where I cut my teeth and I can’t help but be thankful and appreciative.
Week 16 was a story of close calls. Two of my hot takes burst into flames upon reentering Earth’s atmosphere: The Giants looked like hot garbage and got stomped by the Ravens, and Matt Ryan was good against the Chiefs, but Ito Smith wasn’t and the game was a low-scoring plodder.
The Texans and Bengals did end up as the highest total of the weekend, but the Bengals won by less than 10, which is a push by my standards.
Ben Roethlisberger did not throw a pick six to the Colts, but he did lead a large comeback as predicted, ending up as a QB1 and ending the Steelers losing streak. Pretty darn close to a winner, eh?
Week 17 offers all the games on Sunday, which means predicting me to be in a vegetative state in front of the television all day isn’t spicy at all. As you can imagine, I want to send every remnant of 2020 into orbit, which is why I’m going rocket fuel spicy with this predictions. With my 2021 resolution to avoid social media as much as possible, I hope to set Twitter ablaze one last time before I log out and reconnect with nature.
Tua Tagavailoa Will Throw for 300 Yards and Account for Four TDs in a Dolphins Win Over the Bills
Every time I’ve seen Tua in a big moment with something to prove, he has come up aces. Buffalo is locked into a home game in next week’s Wild Card round and will likely rest some of their most important players for a good part of this game. Look for a motivated Tua to let it fly without Fitz’s beard tickling his back and the Dolphins sneaking into the postseason.
The Jets Defense and Special Teams Will Outscore the Patriots Offense and New York Will End 2020 on a Three-Game Winning Streak
I honestly think the Jets will win this one convincingly. The Patriots went from winning the AFC East every year for most of my life to actually needing to lose this game more than the Jets. New York, win or lose, has the second pick in the draft. Adam Gase is the lamest of ducks, but will stumble into his next undeserved position with a resounding win over a division rival.
The Titans and Texans Will Play to an 80+ Total, Deshaun Watson Will Pass for 400+ Yards, and David Johnson Will End Up With More Scrimmage Yards Than Derrick Henry
This is the one that reveals just how completely bonkers I have become. 2020 did it to me. It’s forever a scapegoat and I don’t need to explain myself on this one. The final score will be 45-38, Watson might need Tommy John surgery after the game, and David Johnson will outgain Derrick Henry 180-165. It’s all as plausible as it is unlikely, and that’s the name of the game.
Mike McCarthy Will Make a Critical Coaching Error That Spurs a 10+ Point Collapse to the Giants, who Win the NFC East With a 6-10 Record When Doug Pederson Coaches the Game of His Life and the Eagles Defeat Washington by 10+ Points.
Phew! I needed my final PICANTake of 2020 to be the most 2020 prediction ever. We have a historically bad division that features my beloved Cowboys. What better way to send off this godforsaken year than for the unthinkable to happen. Mike McCarthy is a trash in-game coach. Joe Judge is a masterful coach. Doug Pederson was once a highly-regarded coach when he led Philly to a Super Bowl, but has since looked as clueless as Freddie Kitchens out there. The victim in all this is Washington, who I have been guiltily rooting for this year because of Alex Smith and Ron Rivera. I also love Antonio Gibson and Chase Young as prospects. I hope the Cowboys win and won’t be too shaken up if Washington takes care of business on Sunday night, but this is the ULTIMATE PICANTake.